Thursday 16 May 2013

Practising some positive reinforcement


It's a convenient coincidence that often when I blog about a particularly challenging time I'm having with my children, it then promptly improves! I won't speculate on why that is, but most recently I wrote about struggling with a very defiant four-year old and things have been a lot better of late. Around the time I had written that post, I was reading something that suggested parents should remember to tell their children when they like the way they have behaved, to encourage that good behaviour. It makes sense but I had not really ever thought about doing it on a regular basis.

As with many things in life, we tend to take the good things for granted and focus our attention and energy on the bad or difficult things. The result is, we can sometimes let much of the positivity around us pass us by.

Whilst as parents, we are generally quick to praise and encourage our children when they are learning a new skill or trying really hard at something for the first time, once they have grasped it, we tend not to acknowledge it again. I decided I would try to compliment, thank or remark on my son's good behaviour or actions just once a day even. It could only have a good effect, I would be opening my eyes to some of the everyday things I take as a given and I'm sure my son would enjoy hearing some positive feedback from me.

Mornings had been a struggle with my son waking and moaning about still being tired and general grumpiness permeated the air! We had been trying to encourage a happier start to the day and I realised he had stopped the moaning and was being pleasant, getting himself dressed and chatting nicely to us most mornings. I thanked him for his efforts and told him what a great difference it made to everyone's day.

I told him how I appreciated him taking his cereal bowl from the table to the sink after breakfast, thanked him for not moaning about going up the hill home from nursery even though he's tired, for playing nicely with his sister, eating his dinner all up, being good about getting ready for bed.... Each time I said something like this to him, he responded with, 'thank you'! I could see it made him feel good, more valued maybe and of course, encouraged him to keep doing what he was doing in those situations.

I felt better too. I recognised that by bringing in some extra positivity to our daily lives, it made the day that bit better or maybe just made my son and I feel happier. I think that is what's called positive reinforcement! If you're not already doing a bit of embracing the good actions and behaviour in your children, I'd strongly recommend you give it a try. See how it affects your relationship, your parenting and the response and behaviour of your children. I'm not claiming it's the answer to all parenting challenges but I do think it helps create a nice bit of positivity in each and every day, which can only be a good thing.

Do you naturally do some positive reinforcement with your children or like me, is it something you had heard of but not directly applied to yourself and your children?
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8 comments:

  1. I love this post! Positive reinforcement is good for everyone :) My 7 year old son responds especially well. We have noticed that when other adults give him compliments on his behavior he becomes the most well behaved angel of a child. I always mention this to his teachers- how well he responds to it, and they have verified how good he is in class. Although we see some of that at home, he is still a 7 year old boy!!

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    1. Thanks Tiffany and yes, it is good for everyone :-). Really interesting to hear that your son responds very well to it and it must be nice to know it is of benefit at school too.

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  2. Thanks for this! I have done this in the past and it works well, so easy to get sucked into negativity. It's good to be reminded.

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    1. Glad to hear you have done this with success too. You're right that it's easy to get sucked into negativity, so especially good to try something to counteract that.

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  3. Will you be my mother when I reincarnate? :)
    I didn't grow up with parents who reinforced positively and after reading about it in a book, I tried it. I've never stopped. I find that it works wonders for their self-esteem and the closeness of their relationship with me. it's a win/win. I find that it works with my husband too. LOL

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    1. I'll see what I can do ;-).
      That's wonderful that you discovered such benefits with your children and the relationship you have with them. I'm sure it works with a husband too, must give it a try!
      Thanks for a lovely comment Maryse.

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  4. This is a great post - I completely agree with you on positive reinforcement. My four year old also went and sometimes still goes through a defiant phase. I was getting tired of hearing my own voice saying "no" for the 100th time and telling him off so decided that instead of highlighting the negatives (as I believe this actually made him behave worse) I only spoke of the good things he was doing. Literally a 180 degree turn occurred. It really was amazing what positive reinforcement can do .

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    1. Thanks Xandi and somewhat reassuring to hear you have gone through the same kind of situation as me! You are probably right about highlighting the negatives making them behave worse and it's great to hear what a positive change you experienced when you started focusing in the good things he was doing :-).

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Thank you for reading. I'd love to have your comments and thoughts!