Fear of abandonment

Recently our three and a half-year old daughter has been getting quite anxious, not wanting to be in a room without mummy or daddy during the day time, being a bit scared of the dark at bed time and wanting the bedroom door left wide open... This all sounded very familiar to me, as I remembered my son going through a similar fearful stage around this age. I looked back over the blog to see how old he was at the time, and he was just four. His big issue was waking at night time, scary dreams and thoughts.

Having gone through a similar phase with my son, I know (as with all these things) that it will pass with time. With my daughter however, it is a little more full-on for me as a parent, as she is mostly affected during the day and whilst awake. She is fine once in bed asleep. I literally can not leave her to play for a few minutes while I am cooking dinner or getting the baby ready for bed. Sometimes she is ok if her older brother is with her, but more often than not, only mummy will do.

I am trying to remain patient and understanding. It is a little wearing but I am aware that she needs reassurance and plenty of love and respect for her feelings while she is going through this stage. It is the flip side of a preschooler's independence, whilst happy to go off and do their own thing at times, they can then get worried that mum or dad will go off and leave them. If I tell my daughter I'm going to do something like change the baby's nappy, she'll say, "and then you'll come right back?". Of course, she will follow me anyway....

One day she might not want to come anywhere near me, or be in the same room as me! So for now, I'll try to enjoy the closeness and cuddles as much as I can.

Can you remember your preschooler going through a similar phase? Was there anything you think helped them get through it or was it just a matter of time and patience?
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Less is more, third time around

Our youngest, the baby, is ten months old now. How the time has flown! I was just saying to a friend the other week that I suppose I should start taking her to some playgroups or something. The other two children and especially the eldest was taken along to various baby groups from around six weeks old.

I told my friend how I am a bit more reluctant to go to playgroups a third time round. For a first time mum they are a lifesaver, a great way to make friends with other mums, a reason to get out of the house and have some interaction with people and can help a child to become more sociable too. Yet, without wishing to sound smug in any way, I feel that I am past that stage now.

This time round, I have friends I see regularly, mostly my eldest's nursery and school friends mothers. I am always out and about on school and nursery runs, getting bits done while they are at school and nursery and quite honestly, enjoying a bit of calm with the baby while it is just the two of us! Going to a playgroup and watching the baby stuff germ-ridden toys into her mouth while I force myself to chat to some other mothers is not high on my priority list these days!

I tell myself that it is different with a third child. She is used to having her siblings around and friends of theirs over sometimes too. It is always a lively time and she seems to be a sociable baby around other people. We went to some friends for dinner recently and I left the baby in the playroom with the older children and she was perfectly happy. The older children (all girls apart from my son in this case) looked after her and gave her toys and she was happy to be joining in with the others. I don't think I could have ever left either of my older two when they were babies in another room, unattended. Don't worry, I did keep going in and checking on her!

Once the weather gets better, we will all be enjoying the outdoors more and a walk to the park will be as nice for me as it will be for the baby so we will get out more and she will be more mobile then too. There is a music class I took my older daughter to quite often that I think I will take the baby to soon but I don't think I will be filing up our precious mornings too much.

The routines of my older two children impose a structure on our days that never existed with my eldest when he was the only baby. That changes things, as so much of my day with the baby revolves around drop-offs, pick-ups and activities that the older children do. Consequently, I like to have more relaxed mornings with the baby. She has her nap and I get a few bits done around the house. She wakes up and we play and get lunch ready before picking up my older daughter from nursery. Our morning time together is brief as it is and I am all too aware of how fast the sweet baby stage flies by so I want to make the most of it.

For those of you with two or more children, did you do less of the playgroups and baby classes with your younger children? Do you think it's inevitable that we do less activities (for want of a better word) with subsequent children or am I just being lazy about not taking her to more groups?!
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Round two of the threenager!

Back when my son was age three and demonstrating some pretty challenging behaviour, I wrote this post, 'The Trying Threes'. Now I am going through it all over again with my daughter. Reading back over my earlier post, I am at least reassured that this is normal and just another stage we have to get through. It is a good reminder to me about doing my best to stay calm when faced with defiance from my daughter and feeling utter despair at times.

Last week I read this article, '10 Signs you are living with a threenager'. It is both funny and true! I can tell the author is talking about her daughter, as there are some things on her list that are the case with our daughter too but that never occurred with our son. Number 1 (about how to cut her sandwiches) and 3 (wardrobe changes, although just regular clothes, not princess costumes in our case) definitely apply to our daughter. Neither of these things were ever an issue with our son.

So, round two and having been there before I am going to try to take a deep breath and tell myself I can do this! I keep trying to identify what it is that is different on the days when my daughter is behaving beautifully but I think it is just the usual stuff: she needs sleep, food and attention, like they all do. Unfortunately there are always going to be days when she doesn't get enough of one of those and I will know about it!

In the meantime, I will endeavour to follow my own advice (see, 'The Trying Threes'), remembering she is only three, trying to lead by example, focusing on something positive from the day and remembering she does love me really!

Are any of you also currently living with a 'threenager'? What are some of the challenges they throw at you and how do you deal with them?
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Something's gotta give!

Once we got back after our Christmas trip to the US, I was desperate to cook some proper food for my nine-month old. I had been relying on either ready-made baby food or doing quick, lazy things for her to eat while we were away. She is at the stage to introduce more lumpy textured foods and a time to expand her repertoire of tastes. I consulted a weaning recipe book I have and cooked up a few batches of things so I could freeze some portions too. I felt much better feeding her homemade meals and she tucked in to them!

To get some food cooked for the baby meant sacrificing the rest of the family's meals a little. I gave the older two the same food as the baby (stuff like risotto) or did something quick and easy like pasta for the rest of us. Thankfully the baby is almost at the stage where she can eat what the rest of the family eat, just mashed or chopped small so things should get easier on the cooking front.

Being a mother of three is all about the juggling and weighing up quickly what is most important at a particular time. I can not keep an impeccably clean house, cook wholesome healthy meals for the family, spend quality time with all three children, help with homework, take a few moments of quiet for myself, do the grocery shopping, and deal with everything else that life might throw at me that particular day or week. Something's gotta give!

I find my priorities chop and change. There will be a day when I really want to clean up the house but that means I have not started dinner by the time my son is home from school, which results in a bit of a rush and often a bit of stress in the kitchen! Or like today, I wanted to get a blog post written so I am sitting here typing, neither cleaning nor cooking. I should have time to do a bit of dinner prep too.... If I am playing with the children after school or helping my son with his homework then we are invariably late with dinner.

I accept that this is the way life goes at the moment with three young children and I am ok with it. The kinds of things that are important to me are cooking healthy meals for my family and spending some time with my children. I also really need to do a couple of things for myself each day to keep me sane! I need to have a shower and be moderately presentable in the morning to put me in the best mood to begin the day so I often don't have the time to clean up fully after breakfast before it's time to leave for the school run. I also need a few minutes of peace and quiet that I take when the younger two are napping and the eldest is at school. It is my time to recharge for the afternoon and evening ahead!

These choices I make mean I may not spontaneously invite you in for a cuppa after the school run (although occasionally I do have an efficient morning and get all cleared up!) and I am often reluctant to do things that mean the girls miss their naps. I really do like to keep a clean house but in reality it is a struggle for me to keep it as presentable as I would like.

However, I do my best and very occasionally I feel like supermum - meals are prepared/organised, the house is clean and tidy, I got a blog post written and had fun playing with the children, did piano practise with my son, got everyone to bed on time. Very. Occasionally. Most of the time though, I struggle to keep up with everything and accept that is the way things are for now!

What kinds of things do you find yourself sacrificing due to lack of time or energy? What do you try to prioritise each day or week or does it vary? Do you always feel like you are struggling to keep up and if so, how do you deal with that feeling?
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Taking the pressure out of new year's resolutions

Whether you like it or not, new year tends to mean plenty of mention of new year's resolutions. We had some friends over on new year's day who told us they each had made resolutions for the year. His was to be more spontaneous and hers to be less stressed. Of course, I didn't say anything to them but those kinds of vague, immeasurable aims are the hardest to keep!

My husband and I are not very serious about new year's resolutions but we do usually have a chat about some goals for the year in a bid to start off the new year with a bit of direction. We had a conversation this new year's eve about a couple of things we each hoped to achieve but rather than the pressure of keeping up with something for a whole year, we acknowledged that there were a couple of things we would try to do for just one month.

There is plenty of evidence out there that a month is the amount of time to make something a habit and that if you can do a month of something, you are more likely to be able to continue doing that thing longer term if you so wish. A month is a lot more manageable than a whole year and by focusing on a month initially, you are already making your goal more in your reach. Once you get to the end of the month, you will have the sense of success of having achieved your aim. Knowing you can do it for a month incentivises you to try continuing it for another month. If on the other hand, you do not wish to keep the action up, no pressure, you can leave it to the side with the knowledge you did it for a whole month and knowing you could do the same again at a later date if you feel you want to.

If you have not made any new year's resolutions but are still thinking about it, it's never too late! Starting on the first of January is not for everyone and you can start whenever feels like a good time for you. Maybe being back to the school routine is a better time to kick start a change in your daily life or maybe you want to wait until closer to spring.

In considering your possible resolutions for the year ahead, think about some of the different aspects of your life:
 

Physical - exercise is an obvious and common one but be specific about what kind of exercise, how long and how frequent, and be realistic! Walking more instead of always taking the car, taking the stairs instead of the lift at work are other simple changes you could choose to make.

Emotional - could be something to connect more or better with a member of your family, a weekly call to a friend, helping out a neighbour, writing a regular letter/email to someone you care about.

Spiritual - anything from going to church more, reading a spiritual text, to taking 5-10 mins a day to meditate.

Integrity - volunteer work, helping someone in need, giving some of your time to a local school/church/organisation

Intellectual - read x number of books during the year, read 5-10 mins of news each day, learn a new skill by attending a class or doing an online course

Parenting - is there something you can do differently/better with your children? You and your partner could take it in turns to do 1-1 outings/activities with the children or as a family you could introduce more regular family time in the form of short excursions/games nights or whatever

Work/career - update or add to an existing skill you have, connect with new people in your field, send out your CV to x number of recruiters/targeted companies....

Keep your resolutions simple, manageable and specific. As an example, I decided on a whim to do five minutes of Spanish every day. I had downloaded an app (Duolingo) where you can learn languages for free and can set yourself daily targets. As a busy mother to three, I do not have much spare time but five timed minutes is definitely doable. I do my five minutes, it is very quick, it is simple and yet I feel like I have accomplished something. I might not be fluent by the end of the year, but that is not my resolution!

It can definitely feel overwhelming to commit to something for a whole year. Take off the pressure by keeping goals small and measurable and initially aiming for one month. See where the month takes you and go from there!

Have you made any resolutions this year or are you still thinking about it?
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School dinners, snacks and sugary treats

One day during the recent school half-term holiday, my son said that he thought he would like to try school dinners when he went back (he has been taking a packed lunch since he started school). I asked him again the day before he returned to school and as he had not changed his mind, school dinners began for him this week.

For any non-UK readers, the government here decided to provide free school dinners for all children in Reception, year 1 and year 2 (4-7 year olds), as part of their policy to 'giving all children a healthy start in life'. I have always given my son the choice of whether he takes a packed lunch or has school dinners and until now, he always wanted packed lunches.

Part of me was secretly pleased my son had opted for packed lunches for so long, as I get particularly annoyed by the sweet puddings/desserts that are on offer every day! Part of the idea of the free school meals is to try to discourage those people taking unhealthy packed lunches (containing crisps, cakes, chocolate etc) and to bring healthier food to more children. I fail to see how the sugary desserts can be part of the 'healthy' school lunches.

No surprise to me at all that this first week of his school dinners, my son has had a chocolatey/sugary dessert three days out of four. The one day he had fruit instead was because he knew he had a friend coming over after school and that I would be making something yummy for them! I am hoping the novelty will wear off after a few weeks but we will see.....

Also this week, I came across this article, Why I became a Snacktavist, by Audrey D. Brashich and I felt it really describes the way I feel about children and sugar and treats. The opening lines are:

"Dear everyone who interacts with my children anywhere at all:
Please stop feeding my kids sugar."

She goes on to explain how sugar has become part of nearly every event for children, from after-school clubs, to holidays (Christmas, Easter, Halloween), to birthdays and play dates. Part of her wants to remove some of the treats they might enjoy at home as a family, just to get some nutritional balance in her children's diets and yet, " I don’t want to have to give up the treats we enjoy together as a family just so my kids can eat their fill when they are everywhere but our house".

The article discusses snacks and how once they were simply something to keep hunger at bay between meals but now have become more of a 'treat' in themselves, with parents trying to outdo each other.

"Kids today are getting about 500 calories daily from snacking, and most of their snacks contain primarily refined white flour, salt, sugar and artificial additives, which is a dangerous combination given how childhood has changed, too. “There’s more inactivity and kids are eating more calories and artificial food dyes than at any time in history,”

Do have a read of the article in full and let me know what you think.

As a parent to young children, I would like to be the one who decides when and how they consume sugary foods. I am happy for sweet treats to be offered to my children when they go to a friend's house to play and usually do the same here when my son has a friend over. I like to bake and have something a bit special on a Friday at the end of the week and perhaps make a nice dessert at least one evening over the weekend for the whole family to enjoy together. Every day at school as well? I am not so keen on that.

I do think school dinners can be a positive thing overall. Several parents have told me the good effect they have had on their fussy eaters, who start eating foods they previously refused and who surprise them by being more adventurous with their eating. Even my son on day one, chose a meal which had broccoli with it (which he detests) and ate it all!

What are your thoughts on school dinners, snacks and sugar treats?! Do you try to provide healthy snacks for your children to balance out some of the less healthy food they might consume at other times during the day or week? Does your child's school do a good job of providing plenty of healthy options for school dinners?
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Party planning for toddlers

I have done a few birthday parties over recent years, for my son who is approaching age six and my daughter who just had her third birthday. If there is one thing I have learnt, it is that less is more!

For an enjoyable and successful birthday party for little ones, you often need less of everything than you would imagine; less food, less party guests and less activities.

Food - I learnt early on that it is easy to over-cater for birthday parties. Even though I have vastly reduced what I used to prepare, there is still always more than needed! Little ones really do not eat a lot and coupled with the excitement and the promise of cake, they are often too distracted to eat much at a party. Keep it simple too, prepare what you know your child and friends are likely to eat, rather than what looks fancy!

Party guests - for my daughter's third birthday party a couple of weeks ago, we invited just three other little girls. It was her choice. I suggested another couple of people but she said no, she really only wanted these particular three girls, so that is who we invited. I once read or heard somewhere that is is sensible to invite the same number of guests as the child's age. That is what unintentionally happened this time and it was very pleasant! The fewer guests there are, the less stress for the parents, the more time the guests spend with the birthday boy or girl and the more attention they receive.

Activities - whilst you definitely want to plan a few activities for the party, you also don't want to try to cram too much into the time. It can be good to allow some going with the flow too! For my daughter's recent party, we had a couple of small art and craft activities for the children to do on arrival (and something they could later take home with them), which is good for filling the time as you wait for people to get there. Then we played some traditional party games (pass the parcel, musical bumps etc), had lunch and the cake and then finished with a final party game and dance around! It was simple but worked really well.

I will leave you with some other children's birthday party posts you may be interested in reading:
A great party bag alternative
Children's birthday cakes
A winning winter birthday party for a 2-year old

What have you learnt from birthday parties you have had for your young children? What has worked and what hasn't? Any top tips to share?
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Settling into nursery

This week has been all about my middle child, as she started nursery (preschool). We have been talking about it for so long (always seeing her older brother go to school, she has been desperate to join in!) and now it is happening. The nursery she is attending is a different one to those my son went to, due to the fact we are living in a different area and she can not go to the nursery at my son's school until next September when she is already three.

Unfortunately I was a little disappointed in the nursery's handling of the settling in process this first week. I had arranged for my aunt to come and stay this week to look after the baby while I help my daughter settle in at nursery but I did not anticipate having to spend as much time there as I did! The first day I had to stay the whole session. That seems a little extreme to me, not even trying out leaving her for a few minutes. Whilst I understand she needs to feel comfortable in her new surroundings, I do think we need to be realistic from the beginning and help her understand this is a place for her to stay and mummy to leave!

I did get to leave on her second day but only after I suggested it, having been there over an hour. They allowed me out for an hour and then called me just as I was returning to say she was fine but had been asking about me and they thought I needed to be there again.

On day three (her last day for the week), I took matters into my own hands somewhat. I approached the staff  member my daughter had warmed to most and spoken about at home. I told her that I thought she would be a reassuring presence if my daughter got upset. I said I wanted to leave sooner rather than later to start getting her used to being dropped off and this lady told me that was all fine and she would come and sit with my daughter.

To cut a long story short, a couple of other members of staff had suggested I should not leave but I ignored them and left. My daughter did great, there were no phonecalls for me to return and I left her the whole time, returning just before the session finished. I was so proud of her and also glad I trusted my own instincts!

When I think back to my son starting nursery, he went to a lovely, very caring setting when he was the same age as my daughter is now. They naturally did not want any of the children to be upset during the settling in of the first week or so but nobody ever had to stay the whole session! If I remember correctly, we all sat in the classroom for a little while then if our child seemed happily engaged in an activity, we left and went for a coffee nearby in case they needed to call us to come back. I liked the way they handled things.

When he went to the nursery at his current primary school, aged three, we were told we could stay for the first ten minutes until they called them all over to sit on the carpet and then we had to leave. That was settling in! They dealt with any upset as they saw fit and whilst some children were clearly happier than others at first, it all went smoothly and there was never any child who was inconsolable.

Obviously, I recognise the nursery staff have every best intention and want to avoid any child being overly-distressed. However, part of their job is helping children feel at ease in the new environment and figuring out how best to do that, according to the individual child's personality.After this week, I also think listening to the parent is pretty important too! My daughter is different to my son who was always very comfortable at being left from day one at nursery. My daughter is more likely to get upset when I leave her but I know too that some attention and some distraction work wonders and she is soon happily engaged in various activities.

Leaving a child to stay at a nursery/preschool is a big deal and can be an overwhelming time for some children. They need lots of reassurance. They need to develop their own confidence in being left without mummy, knowing that she will be back. I have friends whose children have taken weeks, months even, to be comfortable being left at nursery. There have been hysterical tears as their parents say goodbye and leave but then they return to happy faces and to be told that their child soon settled down after they left. It is not easy for the parents either!

What has your experience been with settling your own children into nursery/preschool? What kind of approach do you like best?

Here we go again!

After a few weeks of an unannounced break on the blog, I am back! We had a lovely family holiday before school started up again and I was very much of the feeling that I wished the holidays were not over! I enjoyed spending extra time with my son who is usually at school and having a break from the daily routine. However, time marches on and here we go again with a new school year stretching ahead.

The summer holidays seem a distant memory already as we embark on week two of school for my son. Now in year one, there is less playing and more learning! As a parent it can be hard to balance the encouragement you want to give them to do well at things like their writing and maths, whilst also respecting the fact that they are only little five and six year olds, who should still be getting plenty of fun and playing in their lives too.

My eldest daughter will start nursery next week, which will add a new dimension to our daily routine. My son settled into nursery like a dream, there were never any tears or upset. I suspect things will be a little different with my daughter but we shall see... I was comforted last week when we went to her nursery for an open day, that after a few minutes she immersed herself into the various activities they had out and by the time we needed to leave, it was a struggle to get her to do so!

Not wanting to exclude the baby, she is approaching six months and so weaning is on the close horizon. I remember with my other two children, that I loved the stage around seven months when they are interacting and their personality is starting to emerge more. They are usually being rather smiley to people, sitting up but still not on the move, eating proper food and generally being quite cute all round!

There is something about the start of a new school year that feels a bit like a new calendar year. The shift from holidays back into more structured days, the season beginning to move from summer into autumn, the 'clean slate' that comes with a first day of school.... I like it! I feel ready for the changes and challenges to come, perhaps reinvigorated from the long summer days and happy family time. As much as I love summer, there is a comforting sense that autumn brings with the cosy nights as it gets darker earlier and as the leaves begin to change colour and fall from the trees. We still have the sunshine, I can see butterflies in the garden as I write this, and there is a feeling of energy and enthusiasm after the summer break.

How are you and your family feeling at this time of year? If you have school age children, are they enjoying being back or is there still a period of adjustment going on, as they get back into the swing of things after the holidays?
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Toilet training with child number 2!

As soon as the summer holidays began, one of our priorities was to begin toilet training our two and a half-year old daughter. We had been talking about it a lot with her, went out shopping to choose and buy a child's toilet seat and underwear and had read over and over the book, Princess Polly's Potty.

Our daughter was enthusiastic about the challenge, it helps that she always wants to do what her older brother does, including practical things like this. I decided to get started on a Friday - what was I thinking with three children including a young baby to tend to, alongside toilet training all by myself?! It was a rough start and I felt very disconcerted and began questioning whether she was in fact ready to move out of nappies.

Lamenting of the difficulties I was facing, somebody said to me when they were training their child, although they felt  he was ready, he still needed to have lots of accidents as part of his own learning process. Having successfully gone through the toilet training, I can say with hindsight that her statement is probably true of many children.

The initial accidents really are what helps the child associate (a) with (b) and recognise what they need to do. After the first day, the accidents got fewer and by Monday when we had plans for a day out with friends, my daughter did brilliantly, going when she needed and keeping underwear dry!

My eldest being a boy, I was a bit nervous about being out in public toilets or indeed out in a park or wherever with my daughter. It is so easy for a boy to go out in the open, nicely concealed behind a tree! A friend with two daughters recommended I got a Potette Plus. It's a very compact, easily portable potty or toilet trainer seat and we have used ours lots already, definitely a good purchase.

As for how we went about the toilet training, we followed the same principle as we had done last time with our son. Lots of drinks during the first couple of days, lots of reminding the child to tell you when they need the toilet (rather than asking them if they need it) and lots of positivity! One thing I did differently was to abandon the sticker chart I did last time for my son. I read somewhere recently where a mother felt that the child should just be happy to be able to use the toilet and that in itself should be the reward, not bribing them through stickers, sweet treats, toys or whatever. I thought that was a good point and had kept it at the back of my mind. I did give my daughter stickers for the first few days but didn't make a big deal out of the stickers themselves and soon stopped them.

It has been nearly four weeks since we swapped nappies for knickers and our daughter is doing well. Very occasionally she will be too wrapped up in what she is doing to remember to tell me in time but fortunately I can usually tell when she does need to go, which helps.

Have you gone through the toilet training stage recently with any of your children? Those of you with boys and girls, I would be interested to hear if you had a better or worse experience with one or the other. What is your approach to toilet training and any advice or tips to share?
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Savouring the summertime

We are into week three of the summer holidays and it has been an enjoyable time so far. So much so, I struggle to find time to blog, as regular readers may have noticed! I am loving the relaxed pace to our days, no rushing out to school in the mornings, no nagging at the children to remember x,y and z and to hurry up! Parks, picnics, playing outside in the garden and seeing friends is how we have spent most of our time so far.

We also took our first little holiday as a family of five. It was a long weekend in the countryside, lots of space for the older two children to run around in and beautiful scenery. We had a great time.

I have planned a few outings during the holidays but am finding the unplanned days just as much, if not more fun so am not keeping us too busy. Maybe it is also because there is a four month old baby in the mix now, I am a little more reluctant to do too much.

I ran into a mum I know who mentioned how much she was liking the holidays and how her two girls were both more relaxed and getting on much better with one another. I thought about my son and daughter and how wonderfully they too have been getting on, this week especially. It has been lovely to watch them playing beautifully together, sharing, holding hands as we are walking somewhere. There has definitely been a reduction in the amount of squabbling and screaming these past couple of weeks. I have been doing more positive reinforcement as a result.

As everyone's mood and attitude becomes more positive, it becomes easier to keep in the same positive frame of mind. Let's hope the good times continue over the remainder of the summer but I have a feeling they will!

How have you been spending your summer so far? Have you noticed any change in your own children's behaviour?
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Happier at Home

'Happier at Home' refers to the book by Gretchen Rubin. I think I had it on my Amazon wishlist from when it first came out in 2012 and then earlier this year my sister-in-law kindly lent me her copy and I finally read it last month! I enjoyed it and there were a couple of points in it that have stuck with me that I thought I would share with you.

First however, a quick summary of what the book is about. In a similar vein to her previous book, The Happiness Project, Rubin decides to take a school year of making monthly resolutions, focusing on improving her home life. That may sound a bit dull but 'home' in this book is everything from possessions to parenthood, marriage and time. The content is very relatable for most of us and the suggestions all very practical.

As I began the first chapter on possessions where Rubin tackles her clutter with the aim of removing "meaningless stuff" and going shelf by shelf, drawer by drawer, I found myself finally getting stuck into a couple of wardrobes where I knew there were clothes I no longer had any use for and kept meaning to take to the charity shop! I felt good for getting rid of them and thought I might continue with my own de-cluttering but as yet, it is still to be continued....

My favourite chapter was probably the one on parenthood. I am always interested to hear about other people's parenting styles, their challenges and ways of handling their children. One of Rubin's resolutions here was to 'underreact to a problem'. I think that is a great thing to try to do! I know I am often guilty of over-reacting to something that occurs with my own children and isn't it so much easier to overreact than underreact? I find it very difficult but if a particular situation arises with my children, I am trying to tell myself to underreact. It is definitely a work in progress but one I continue to think about and try to implement sometimes.

In the chapter on marriage, Rubin addresses her fear of driving by taking some lessons but also identifying that some of her fear came from unfamiliarity - of the symbols on the dashboard, putting petrol in the car, that kind of thing. I could really relate to what Rubin was experiencing here. We recently got a car and I felt quite nervous at the thought of driving it after not driving since before having children (and it has probably been 12-15 years!). I went out one evening and when I got in the car to come home, I realised I needed to switch on the car lights and didn't even know where they were and had to call my husband! As a result, I'm going to read the manual, just as Rubin forced herself to do! It is a good example of how fear can simply come from the unknown.

So, if you are looking for something to read this summer that might also inspire you to think about aspects of your day-to-day life, I would recommend Happier at Home. It is an easy read, interesting and thought-provoking.

Have any of you read the book or heard about it? What is on your summer reading list?

Little lunch box notes

I never thought I would be one of those mums who writes cute little notes to pop into her child's lunch box. Yet in just the last couple of weeks I've started including the odd note with my son's lunch.

One day my son mentioned his friend's mum put notes in her son's lunch box. I asked what they said but he wasn't sure. I then asked the mum, who I am friends with and she said she wrote any kind of little thing with the hope of trying to get her son more interested in reading. She struggles in getting him to do his school reading at home. 

I am fortunate that I don't have any trouble encouraging my son to read. He loves to read anything in front of him; cereal boxes, signs, advertisements in magazines, anything really. However, I thought I detected a slight desire for the odd note in his own lunch box and had that at the back of my mind.

One day I was preparing his lunch and gave him pitta bread with something like cheese or houmous inside and then some sliced cucumber and tomato in a separate pot to add to the pitta when he was ready to eat it (not wanting to make the pitta soggy by putting it in myself). The thought occured to me to stick on a note to the cucumber and tomato pot reminding him to put those inside the pitta. So I wrote, 'put in pitta' followed by a smiley face and 'yum yum!'.

Another day, I was putting orange segments into a container for his lunch and carefully taking out any pips, as for some reason with oranges, my son doesn't enjoy eating them if they have pips in them. I then thought he might not even eat the orange if he thinks there might be pips in it so decided to stick a note on the container, saying, 'no pips!' and a smiley face again. He ate it all up!

I realised these little notes are indeed a good way to encourage his reading. They are also useful for me to communicate something about his lunch and a bit fun for my son to find them inside his lunch box too. I definitely don't include a note every day and I have not yet written a note that has not been functional (I am not one of those mums!). It seems little lunch box notes are not such a bad idea after all though....;-)

Do you or have you in the past included any kind of little note inside your child's lunch box and if so, what was the motive - an affectionate thought? to communicate something practical? to encourage their reading? something else?
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Copycat

As early on as she could, my daughter would try to do whatever her big brother was doing. As she has got older, the copying has increased all the more. Everything from wanting to play with whatever he is playing with (often resulting in snatching & fighting over a toy!), pulling the same 'funny' faces, dressing up as a superhero when he does, to repeating something he is saying to us (like a little echo!), wanting to eat the same foods, to draw when he is drawing, to read when he is reading and so on....

On the one hand it is rather endearing. She looks up to him with admiration and awe, which is sweet for a parent to see. She wants to be with him and do whatever he is doing all the time. Again, this is lovely to see the closeness in their relationship, even if it is not always harmonious.

The copying is also beneficial to her own development. She speaks a lot better for her two and a half years than our first born did and sounds older than her years sometimes. Seeing her big brother getting himself dressed in the mornings has meant she has been eager to do the same and she has been very good at putting on her own socks and shoes for some time. It sparks a determination in her to try things that perhaps an only child might not be in such a hurry to master. All pretty positive stuff!

On the other hand however, there are some things she copies that are a little frustrating! Just recently for example, my son decided he no longer likes to eat avocado. My daughter then tells me she also does not like avocado and refuses to eat any. If she and I are eating at lunchtime when my son is at school though, she will happily eat the avocado! This has happened with a few different foods. Likewise, if my son says he doesn't want to go somewhere, she will say the same or if he behaves in an unbecoming way, she will follow his lead and behave similarly. No fun for the parent in these cases!!

I realise at some point there will likely be a switch in her behaviour and far from wanting to do the same, my daughter may well decide she wants to do the complete opposite to my son. Undoubtedly, that will bring with it a whole new set of parenting challenges!

For now, I suppose my aim is to encourage the positive aspects to my daughter's copying and accept that the less endearing side is simply part of children being children and growing up in their own way, as they develop their own personalities.

Do your younger children copy their older siblings and to what effect?
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What a difference a day makes

I couldn't resist stealing the song title for my blog post.... ;-).

Finding myself mother to a newborn again, I am reminded of the stark contrast in days you typically face in any given week. One day, you're feeling on top of your game, baby is doing text book naps, smiling and generally being a pleasure. Another day, it's the reverse, baby's grizzly, lots of crying, they only want to be held and you're exhausted and wondering when you'll ever get to sit or lie down for a rest.

If you are a mother who likes routine with your children, the moment you think you are slipping into a nice routine with baby, they'll show you otherwise! Or just as you are getting some decent stretches of sleep, you'll have a shocker of a night that leaves you feeling unable to make it through the next day....

The good news is, it usually is just an odd day here and there. Unless your child is unwell or teething, you both might have a bad day but the next day tends to be much better and you can catch your breath again! I try to remind myself of that when I am experiencing a bad day.

Yesterday for me was a tough day. I had had a much more disturbed night's sleep than I have got used to of late so I was exhausted starting off the day. I had no time for a shower in the morning which always makes me feel less agreeable. Baby was not napping very much during the day and crying more than normal (probably as a consequence of the not napping!) and when I tried to sneak into bed for a quick lie-down when both girls were napping, my baby immediately woke up. So there was no nap for me! I was dead tired, it was a rainy day, everything was a bit of a struggle.

Today has so far been the opposite. A good night's sleep, a shower this morning, got some jobs done before taking my son to school, the sun is shining, baby has done great naps, I'm feeling cheery, proactive and like a completely different person to yesterday. Of course by writing those sentences I may have just jinxed the rest of the day ;-).

The same can be said of parenting older children too. You can have a great day followed by one you would rather forget. However with the lack of daily structure that comes with a young baby, the differences are more pronounced I find.

A new day really does make a difference. Make the most of the good days and however much a struggle you might be having on a not so good day, remind yourself that the next day will be different again, even if it still might not be as perfect as you would like!

"Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day". ~Author Unknown

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Baby makes three!

My baby girl is six weeks old already, how the time has flown! These first few weeks as a family of five have been busy, enjoyable and exhausting. Between family and friends helping out I have felt very well supported and my time managing all three children alone (while husband is at work) has been very limited so far. Lucky me!

Now for a few random musings on these first early weeks with three children:

The sleepless nights have not been so hard to deal with this time. Obviously I've felt very tired some days and wondered how I'll make it through the day on occasions but overall it's not been as horrendous as with the other two. Perhaps realistic expectations better prepared me this time!

The mornings are not a big rush as I'd imagined. One thing I was particularly dreading was getting myself and three children ready and out on time to get my son to school. Turns out when you're up around 5am with the baby, there's plenty of time! I've even managed a shower some days!

I was right about the worst time of the day! The dinner time, bed time witching hour is difficult, as I knew it would be. On the days I've had to put all three to bed by myself it has mostly been a struggle. I console myself with the reminder that it will only get easier. Right?!

It's not easy on the siblings. My 5-year old son who has dealt with a new baby sister once before has seemed pretty ok with the new addition. He was initially very excited, now he mostly ignores her and gets on with whatever he's doing. That's fine by me :-). My 2 1/2 year old daughter though has understandably been more affected. She's very loving towards the baby most of the time, very helpful with nappy changes etc but she herself has become clingy towards me and a bit more withdrawn around other people, which she wasn't at all before. It makes me a bit sad but all I can do is give her lots of love and be patient through this period of adjustment. 

I feel stretched! I felt stretched with two children, always wishing I could find or make more one-on-one time with each child. Now there's an extra child, one who currently demands a lot of me and spending quality time with the older two is tricky. I am doing what I can, trying to do something fun with my two-year old while the baby is napping, spending time with my eldest before he goes to bed when his sisters are already in bed (or sometimes whilst simultaneously rocking the baby to sleep in my arms!).

I feel very fortunate. I look at my three children and am filled with love for them all. The baby is a wonderful addition to our family and I'm so proud of my older two children and how for the most part, they are kind, loving, fun, well-behaved little people. I look at my husband and remember back when we didn't have any children and talked about both wanting three one day and here we are all of a sudden with all three!

For those of you with two or more children, what do you remember from the early weeks juggling everything? Can you relate to any of the above? What do you still find most difficult or most fun at whatever stage you are at now?
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Saying yes to some help

Our little baby girl is approaching four weeks old now. My husband's paternity leave came and went. My parents' visit  also came to an end after Easter. This week I have had my first taste of dealing with the three children on my own, without family around to help out.

My eldest has returned to school after the Easter holidays and on day one of doing the school run, I had a few of my mummy friends kindly offering to help out, whether it was having my two year old over for a few hours so I could rest at home when baby slept or offers to collect my son from school.

It feels like it goes against my natural instinct but I decided to say yes to some of these offers of help. So my daughter went to a friend's house to play with two of her little friends while the big ones were at school one morning this week and I took my friend's advice and lay down when baby slept. It was good for my daughter, as she had not played with any of her peers for a while. She got to do some painting, playing and had lunch there. I felt better for getting to lie down and just generally having a break from keeping my adorable but energetic two year old amused.

I have also had a couple of friends pick up my son from school, again very helpful as my youngest tends to be sleeping around that time and so I don't have to wake her and get both girls ready to rush out for the school run.

On the one hand, I feel a bit selfish accepting these favours. I have a new baby not a life-threatening disease! Surely I can get on with it and manage as best I can with my 5-year old, 2-year old and newborn. Then I try to put myself in the position of the person offering the help and if it was me, I would not make the offer if I did not mean it and was not happy to help. That makes me feel better about accepting it :-). I still feel in debt to the person and like I need to do something to make it up to them but hopefully one day I can return the favour in some way.

It affirms what lovely friends I am lucky enough to have and reminds me that being there for our friends is the greatest gift we can give. I'm not much use to anyone right now, but hopefully I have (and will have) my moments of being a good friend and helping out someone who could use a little break in whatever form that is.

Do you find it difficult saying yes to kind offers from people? Have you had similar experiences of friends helping you out when you needed it?
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Squabbling siblings

If you have two or more children, chances are they spend their time together either getting along famously or at each other's throats! It's wonderful when they get along, either playing together or contentedly playing alongside one another. When they snatch, fight, scream at each other and one or both ends in tears, it can be stressful for the whole family.

My two children are aged two and five. It's a tricky stage. The five year old is pretty good at sharing and taking turns. He is for the most part patient and giving. The two year old is at the age where sharing is not yet really understood so if she wants something, she will take it and not give it back without a struggle. You can therefore imagine the kinds of scenes that unfold in our household!

Then there is the physical aspect to their squabbling. My daughter regularly tackles her big brother down to the floor in a fun, playful way so when she is not being playful, she is not afraid to push or worse! Until quite recently, our son would never push her back or inflict any physical actions towards her. He would probably just come and tell my husband and I what his sister had done to him. However, of late that has changed and he now will push her back or be a little too rough with her for my liking. Who can blame him on the one hand? On the other hand, he is a big five year old, she is still a little two year old.

I think back to my own childhood and remember quite regular physical fights with one of my brothers, even though there was a big age gap and I was the youngest! He was the same brother I was closest to growing up though, so I also remember many fond times together. Our physical fights were soon diffused and forgotten and never had any lasting impact.

So then I think, I should not worry too much about my own children getting into little fights. It's all part of growing up, asserting oneself in one's own individual way, learning how to manage one's behaviour in frustrating situations and essentially, learning how to deal with conflict. As much as I can, I try to stay out of my children's squabbles and if my son comes to complain about something that his sister has done, I try to encourage him to come up with a way to deal with it, rather than getting involved too much myself.

Currently, that does not work very well and the situation rarely gets resolved without tears or shouting but I am hoping that with some perseverance, over time, both children will find their own ways of handling their differences and disagreements.

What is your experience of squabbling siblings? Do you intervene much and try to manage their behaviour and reactions or do you step back and let them get on with it? Do your children go through phases of getting on better or worse with one another? I would be very interested to hear your experiences in the comments!
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Calmer communication & cooperation

In my post at the beginning of this year, New year, new parenting goal, I mentioned I was starting to read the book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I have now finished reading it (pretty good going for my slow reading pace these days!) and wanted to share a few bits of the advice I found particularly helpful.

I will start by saying, it is a very useful book for any parent to read. It has simple little exercises throughout so that you are forced to look at your own situation and parenting methods and reflect on how you might change them (if they need changing). The exercises are helpful because you get a real idea of how the advice can relate to you specifically. There are also lots of examples of different situations other parents have struggled with, case studies if you like, that illustrate how the suggested methods can bring about positive results in 'real life'.

At the same time, it is a lot to take in and is the kind of book you can refer back to, rather than aiming to remember and practise every single point it presents. It does give real perspective to the challenges that come with parenting and reminds us that the easy option does not always lead to the best outcome. Parenting, and parenting well, is hard work after all. Like anything else we want to invest ourselves in, it takes time and effort.

It is hard to select just a few points raised in the book but if these I have listed below sound of interest, I recommend you pick up a copy of the book!

Good listening. We might think we listen to our children but many of us are probably also guilty of firing questions (How was your day? Who did you play with? What did you do?...). If we focus more on listening with our full attention, the child is more likely to open up in their own way.

Problem-solving with your child. This is one thing I tested out with my 5-year old and to good effect. I had been getting annoyed with toothpaste smeared on or next to the bathroom sink each day after he brushed his teeth in the mornings. Following the advice in the book, I sat down one day with my son and talked through his possible difficulties, my feelings about seeing the mess and with paper in hand, asked for his suggestions on how we could remedy the situation. He came up with two ideas, which I wrote down. He then wanted to draw a picture of the toothpaste on the paper and we stuck it up above the sink for a few days. Immediately, the mess stopped! After a few days, I praised him for his continued good efforts and suggested we didn't need the note on view any more. He chose to stick it inside a cupboard door where he could still see it if he wanted to (rather than discarding it) but the clean sink remained!

Describe what you see when giving praise. The book suggests that meaningful praise gives the child an awareness of their own merits. So rather than relying on broad compliments like, 'It's great/fantastic/amazing....', describing what you see then helps the child recognise their strengths. For example, to a child who has got dressed by themselves for the first time, you could say something like, 'You put every bit of clothing on in exactly the right place and didn't even need to ask for help - I'm so impressed!', instead of saying, 'You did a great job!'.

The hardest section of the book for me, in terms of relating it to my own self and my own children was the chapter on 'Freeing children from playing roles'. It talks about how parents can be prone to labelling their children, 'She's bossy / he's stubborn / she's a trouble-maker / he's a picky eater etc....' and that by doing so, reinforces that behaviour/trait in the child. It gives various ways to free your child from those 'roles', which all seem very doable and make sense. My struggle was in identifying any labels that may have been applied to my own children - is that because I have done a good job of not labelling them? (obviously what I'd like to think!!) or is it (more likely) because I am oblivious to the labelling I have inadvertently applied? For now, that remains something for me to think about further....

Do you have any thoughts on what I have mentioned above?  Have you discovered your own techniques for calmer communication and cooperation with your children? Have you read the book yourself and if so, what did you think?

Play dates and younger siblings

One of our neighbours has a six-year old and a three-year old. She is often complaining to me about the difficulties of managing play dates with her older child without the younger one getting in the way. She even said she was trying to do most of their play dates on weekends when her husband could take out or play with the younger one and leave their daughter and friend in peace.

I had to stop by her house last week and was a little surprised to see the six-year old shut inside their conservatory with a friend while the three-year old, stood at the glass door looking in on them. The mother rolled her eyes at me and again lamented of how difficult it was with the younger child wanting to 'join in'. My two-year old stood with him at the glass door for a moment while I was chatting and I saw the six-year old say to her through the glass, 'no babies!'.

Having a five-year old and a two-year old myself, I am not oblivious to the challenges that can come with play dates and managing the younger sibling in a fair and peaceful way around the older ones. I don't however think the answer is to banish or separate the younger sibling completely from the room in which the older ones are playing. I think it's good for all ages to learn to get along, to share, to respect each other, whatever their age and to generally mix among different ages. Unless the younger sibling is destroying something the older ones are playing with, then why not let them be in the same room and play alongside?

I appreciate that sometimes the older child wants to go to their bedroom with their friend and be undisturbed. Sometimes I do encourage my daughter to stay and play downstairs with me to give the older ones some space. I recognise it is equally important to respect the older child and let them have a bit of private time with their friend, if that's what they want. As with most things, it is all about balance.

Occasionally I have to keep an eye on the older ones to make sure there is no, let's call it boisterous behaviour, towards the little sister. I'm thinking shooting toy cannons at her, even speaking to her in what I consider an inappropriate way. It is rarely a problem though. Some of my son's friends enjoy the novelty of his little sister and are quite happy to have her around. Those with younger siblings themselves are usually particularly at ease with having a younger one in the same room.

Maybe my neighbour's children being both one year older than mine makes a difference but even so, I hope I can continue to manage play dates without making a big deal out of the younger sibling being around. The ideal situation perhaps, which I know some of my friends with two children like to try to do, is to have play dates for both children on the same day. That way they both have their own friend to play with and occupy them, making them less likely to be interested in what the other is doing.

What is your experience if you have two (or more) children? Is it stressful / particularly difficult having a play date for your older child with a younger sibling there? Do you have any ways you manage the situation to make it easier / more harmonious for everyone?
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