Wednesday 10 April 2013

Lost for words


Evelyn and I met at university and became the best of friends. We travelled lots together, we shared our aspirations for the future and helped each other through the ups and downs life brought us. She was the photographer at my wedding and was maybe the only person present at both our children's christenings. She has a fabulous fiancé (they'd love to be married but chose paying for a house over paying for a wedding) and after many years together, they decided they'd like to start for a family.

Long story short, they sadly aren't able to conceive naturally and Evelyn is devastated, as you'd expect. Just last week, her fiancé had an operation to see if the IVF route might be a possibility. They are currently awaiting the results but despite the 51% chance of success, she is not optimistic and certainly, she needs to be prepared to meet either eventuality.

Of course, I can not even begin to imagine what she is going through and I really don't know what to say to her when we speak these days. It's a horribly sad situation, someone so desperate to have a baby, someone who would make such a loving parent and yet is thwarted at every turn. All she sees is pregnant people around her on the way to and from work, or friends of hers who have recently become pregnant or those like me who already have children.  Why not her?

They'll get the results from the recent operation in the next few days. We're away on holiday from tomorrow so I will probably hear the outcome when we get back. In the event the operation was a success, the IVF route is no guarantee of a baby and can be a long, difficult journey. If it's not a success, that's it for them. There will never be a baby. She's already been crying for days at the thought of it, how will she cope if that's the news they hear?

I want to be a good friend for her, a shoulder to cry on and able to console her but in reality, I'm lost for words. I'd always assumed she'd have children one day and we'd swap parenting notes and laugh about the funny bits of motherhood together.

Do you know anyone who has been in a similar situation to Evelyn? Or maybe you've had a different situation with a friend where you've been lost for words? Any advice or suggestions most welcome!
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photo credit

6 comments:

  1. Oh yes I know someone like that. My nephew and his wife tried everything under the sun for 8 years. Several IVFs. Nothing worked. The heartache was phenomenal. Until this year when they decided to follow a path that is highly controversial in Europe. They're now expecting a little boy thanks to a surrogate mother. I'm not opening a debate here. I'm just saying that, in their experience, it's been a wonderful journey with this woman who is gifting them with their child (she is of course compensated for that, but her attitude is one of love and generosity). Adoption is another way to go. And if your friend is not open to those avenues, there's still so much to do to be and help children. It's a matter of letting the grief do what it must and then of opening up gently to other possibilities. My heart goes out to them. Listening is enough, you know. You don't have to say anything. Be there for her. You're a good friend ♥

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    1. Thanks for your kind words Maryse and so glad to hear that your nephew and wife have had a happy ending after all the pain and upset they must have experienced over the years. You are right about the other possibilities that exist and yes, listening is always most important with friends - thank you.

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  2. My heart too goes out to your friend and I'm sure she really appreciates your support. Wanting a child and not being able to have one is an awful thing.

    I had a friend who couldn't maintain a pregnancy but they were not infertile, and eventually (after years of trying) managed to conceive. It is probably not the same as the issue was found to be progesterone deficiency, I believe. And in the end it was easily corrected. But while they didn't know this they thought they would never have a child. And of course it was awful for them. I hope that the IVF works for your friend so she can become a mum. xx

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    1. Thank you Beadzoid and thanks for sharing what your friend went through. As you say, wanting a child and not being able to have one really is an awful thing. xx

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  3. One of my best friends from college and her husband have been having trouble conceiving for a few years. It is hard to know what to say, especially as someone who has kids already, but I agree that listening is one of the best ways to be a good friend.

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    1. Yes as you say, it feels especially hard to know what to say as someone who is lucky enough to have children of their own already. Thanks for commenting, sounds like you know how I feel as you have a friend going through a similar situation.

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